331: Empty "I Love Yous"
2012-01-27 11:34 p.m.

Looking back at my archives, I realized I've been writing-- somewhat intermittently-- for 9 years in July.. 9 years and less than 331 entries? Holy shiznitt! If I wrote everyday as intended I would have 3104.625 entries (generally speaking) or 1552.3125 if I wrote every other day... Instead, its an average of every 9.379531722054 days that I write. Eh, fuck ittt. A lot of censorship and editing didn't help.

Got to thinking about my nephew going to be 17 this year and its nuts.. I was his aunt when I was 12 (still don't believe it) and I accompanied him and my sister for every ultrasound and doctors appointment they had.

And he doesn't even know it.

When he would wake up in the middle of the night hungry or screaming over a shitty diaper, I would go to him and get whatever he needed. Weird? Whatever. The point is that I enjoyed him.

I was there for his first words, steps, laughs..

And he doesn't even know it.

Just so strange that you love this little bundle of shit-- I mean, joy-- and just as I had with my parents or aunts/uncles/grandparents what have you when they said "I love you" and you say it back you're like not knowing what love is. The words are there like a reflection in a mirror but they are hollow and meaningless. You may not realize they really do love you or why they love you. You may not realize they spent however many years making sure you were clean, fed, clothed, entertained, etc and they watched you grow from this little thing that came out of a vagina (or uterus if your mumzy had a c-section and you were ripped violently from the womb) into a fully functioning adult.

The people who watched you in his metamorphosis love you for who you've grown to be (unless you're off-your-rocker-fucked-in-the-head then, trust me, no one loves you, you serial killing piece of shit)(where the hell did that come from? Must be the beer). So now, while I love my nephew, I don't say it. He doesn't know me the way I know or used to know him before his dickhead father took him in a dramatic custody battle when he was barely 4 and he flourished from this little caterpillar into this mega-fucking kick ass butterfly (that beats ass in hockey, might I add). He grew up with his father and his dad's major cunty girlfriend.. How could he love us? It is not to be expected.. but selfishly I wish he did.

Will my kids feel the same as I do?? Will they say "My parents don't really love me they just say it cause it's something parents are just expected to say." To this day, I think of my mom raising us and she does love us, but the words never seemed true. She doesn't need to prove it. Somehow when I say it I don't feel it although I'm sure I would if it were her last day here in this fucked up crazy world of the living. As for dad, he is an absolute cock but when he says it, I feel the weight of his words.. mine, however, are just said so I don't hurt his feelings.

Maybe someday I will be on the other end telling my offspring and they will just react in the same ways I have.. At least I understand but somehow feel I'll still be offended.