Faulty wiring-- yes, why, yes, I am drunk
2015-10-02 9:31 p.m.

The leaves piling up outside by the back door are telling me it's fall which bums me the fuck out. We haven't done anything for 2 summers (understandably, considering the circumstances of moving 800 something miles away last year and trying to find a not-shit apartment to trying to buy a house to trying to fix said house because the load bearing walls weren't actually being supported and the house was falling in on itself) and really, now that we've missed the opportunity to go down to our typical vacation spot at the "optimal time", I really just don't give a fuck at this point. The man has been so busy with some crazy work project on top of working on the house in time for the cooler Temps... well.. SURPRISE! whatever. I just can't give a fuck right now.

I typically have issues with seasonal depression, but I don't think that's the main cause of my apathy.. I mean, there's more apathy available from the bank of me that has been shown on your bank statement lately (sorry, we don't pay our employees enough).. anyway, I'm really fucking down about not wanting kids lately but I've gotten myself on this relationship where he wants them and I'm fucking freaked out beyond belief about .. everything about it. I never wanted them before until I was with him then the idiot part of me said yeah that would be amazing, but now I'm like OH FUCK NO! Like, what the FUCK was I thinking? 5 and a half years into this relationship and I've realized I can't even handle myself, how could I raise a little me or a little us or whatever .. I'm not.. mature enough. I'm.. a piece of shit... I'm.. in love with his fucking brother. What. The. Fuck.

Nevermind all the other bullshit I could pass along: mental illnesses like depression/anxiety, alcoholism, substance abuse in general, the world itself as it is today.. I don't know. I've been really fucked up about having kids lately..

I keep warning him not to propose.. I'm not worthy enough, which is true, I'm really not. I'm a terrible person and he deserves better. I'm worthy of being stood in front of a firing squad, not a happy, healthy marriage.