A really long entry.. very unlike me..
2007-11-14 1:38 a.m.

SO.. I am reading this book "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents".. Pretty interesting.. Which has caused me to write the following biographical things:
I don't really remember my dad drinking, so there are some situations in the book I can't really relate to [like, coming home and not knowing what kind of mood that he would be in]. I must say though-- the book says something along the lines of "You always knew you were loved, but it was hard to explain".. Well, I never really did feel loved.. I never really felt accepted.. That is something I can't explain. Mom gave us all lots of love-- didn't she? Yeah, she had to work because she left our father and yes she did go out on Friday nights, but that is understandable.. She had to have some way to let loose and have fun..
I must have blocked a lot out since I just remembered that she received notes from me-- on her pillow where they couldn't be ignored, no less, about her boyfriend for many years, Kenny. Well, these notes were something along the lines of "You love Kenny and you don't love me." When I was about 12 or so, perhaps even younger than that, I wanted to kill myself.. My two older sisters were going out having fun and there I was.. Alone .. That just occured to me.. I was alone?? What the hell ? Why was I alone? Where was my mother? I took a sprite can and twisted it so the can came apart and the edges were sharp enough to cut myself.. And I sliced deep into my thumb.. I left blood in the bathroom as a cry out of desperation... I wrote a long note of how I was so alone.. of how I just wanted to die. My mother still has these things.. And it hurt so much when I was writing them, but when it came time to talk about it, I denied I had felt that way and that everything was fine.
The book is saying that if you didn't feel like you fit in at home and didn't feel loved at home then you had a hard time making friends.. It's probably true.. It says that you may have had to make excuses of why your friends could never go over your house.. I don't remember making excuses, but I do remember I just didn't want to be there. It was boring to me and everyone else's house always seemed to be so much more fun than mine-- then again, I was afraid of that house because I had had so many ghostly things happen to ME there.. Others didn't experience these things..
I mean, who wants to be in a house where almost every night that you slept in a certain room, you had dreams about ghosts?? So you slept on the couch to avoid it, but one night you woke up to roll over and adjust position and saw a shadow on the wall of a man's silhouette with spiky hair smoking a cigarette-- but no one was there? Who wants to be in a house where you heard a voice saying "BOO!" in your ear before you fell asleep? Who wants to be in a house where you have to listen to music all the time to fall asleep because you are so afraid?.. Even then I had one of the scariest experiences ever.. [I would wake up when there was silence on the radio if the dj fell asleep, or whatever happened, and I would change the channel and go back to sleep.. But this time I woke up from it, tried to change the channel and still got nothing but dead air.. I know the radio was on cause the light was on.. I turned the volume up, down, turned the function to tape and back on to the radio again.. but nothing.. Suddenly from my head phones came that scary voice-- it started out quietly "..sleeeeeep.. sleeeeeeeeeep.." I tried changing the channel.. I tried changing the volume.. I tried turning it off-- but the light stayed on.. the voice got louder "..dreeeeaaaam.. DREEEEEAAAMMMM! DREEEEEAAAAAAMMMM!!" it was screaming at me.. I ripped the headphones off my head and ran out of the room hearing the voice still yelling at me.. fucking INSANE!.. anyway..]
Bottom line, I didn't invite anyone to my house. I hated my house.
Back to what I was saying.. The book says something about how your alcoholic parent may have made promises to you that they would do something and they didn't follow through on it and you felt that if and when they had that you would get points for your loyalty.. Bah humbug.. i give up on writing about this.. right now I am trying to dodge my mother's cigarette smoke which is being taken by the draft back out to me..

P.S.- didn't you just have a cigarette 10 minutes ago? bleh.