You're UNBELIEVEABLE! Absolutey Ridiculous.
2005-09-23 12:32 p.m.

Talk about some serious fucked up CRAP!

My financial aid advisor just calls me and says that I wasn't able to get a Pell grant because I "have income coming in" which is not true. I had to correct her and tell her that I don't have a job anymore and that they fired me and then she wanted to know my last day of work.. And my step father's income won't even come close to what he made last year. Last year he made almost $60,000 but this year he has only made like $23,000 so far..

And he's going to be losing his job officialy on the 30th which is the same day I am supposed to start classes. So now that she knows that I got fired, I have to bring in my last pay stub and also step-fathers almost last pay stub.. Which would make a round 2 of financial aid..

I went downstairs JUST to TELL my mother what was up and that they thought I had a job.. I didn't tell her for her to start attacking me. They both think I am an asshole for "Stirring up Shit" and then using him for financial aid.. UM.. Excuse me.. What?

I didn't want all that shit about him sexually harassing me to come out DAYS before the financial aid meeting nor did I expect to make it even bigger by both of my sisters saying that he said shit to him too.. Think about it asshole. YOU started this shit... It just happened to come out right before the date.

If I could have done this fucking financial aid crap on my own I WOULD HAVE. I'm not trying to stir things up and then "Use" him. It's a federal government thing you pricks. Don't think about it like that though!! Think that Jen is the asshole here. Because, surely, It is SOO easy for me to say something like, "You're my step father and you shouldn't be saying shit like that to me because its sexual harassment.." ITS NOT THAT EASY!

How can you say something like that to the LAST person you expected to hear that shit from? Especially me since I was already walking on thin ice with him and he wanted to kick me out before.. Would YOU be able to say something like that, ma? Oh.. You would? Bullshit you fucking liar.

It's no wonder I can't talk to you about anything. You always think everything is about you.. That I would be saying something because I want to attack you. YOU do it to YOURSELF. No one wants to make you cry! You put yourself on these guilt trips and blame everything on yourself! Knock it off! Even when the fucking situation doesn't concern you, you make it about you. RIDICULOUS. You think you don't need counceling? You're only trying to kid yourself.

I have never met anyone who managed to turn one fucking conversation about something that TOTALLY does NOT involve you into something about you.. "Pity me, Pity me." Boo-fucking-hoo. CUT IT OUT! The world doesn't revolve around you and your fucking tears. Years of self-pity and blame have turned you into a monster. You know why you don't have anyone to talk to? Because no matter WHAT we say, ITS ALL ABOUT YOU! !

How can you say something like that to your own mother? You will NEVER understand the real truth because you're too busy being wrapped up in your own shit. So-- We all leave you alone. Leave you out of things. It is YOUR FUCKING FAULT! I wish you would just open your eyes and see it from a different point of view and then maybe you would say.. "Gee.. Maybe it isn't all about me.. Maybe no one wants to talk to me about my feelings because I just think they're attacking me.."

PISS OFFFFF!!!!

You're supposed to be my fucking mother, NOT my MENTAL patient. This is just so completely frustrating. . And I don't want to just run away.. . I try and try to help you but it doesn't get anywhere.

Remember when yor therapist told you that you need to go take some time away in the ward? He wasn't saying it to hurt your feelings.. he was saying it because its the fucking truth! IT WOULD HELP YOU! It's not to get you to be upset and throw yourself on your bed.. You can't handle the truth about anything!!

And when you sit there scraping that resin out of the bowl and using it to get high, ITS PATHETIC! I think, "Oh my gosh. My mother has hit a fucking all time low." You go and smoke your fucking TAR.. Do you think about the impact that it has on you when you smoke that shit!? I don't care how long you have been smoking weed, You need to quit. It isn't like it helps your meds work better.. it counteracts them, dummy. And while you sit there saying, "I'm trying to get better!!!" No you fucking aren't. Your actions say otherwise. Then you turn it around on me and tell me that I can't give a shit about you because I don't even care about myself? PSH.

You can really just go fuck yourself. You can't tell me how I feel or what I am thinking. That's bogus. You WANT me to feel shitty about myself so you can feel like you aren't alone in your "struggle". I DO things to make me feel good about myself. Like I said: You always manage to change the subject. Youre a manipulator. Maybe you don't feel that way but you should really step outside of yourself and THINK once in a while.

You're not my mother right now. You're a mess. We just try to help you but we really just can't. So Fuck It.