quick notes
2006-07-01 11:10 p.m.

wow. The last time I updated was 28 days ago.. not exactly cool, but I think it's better than 3 months.. oh well.

So.. What's up? How have you been in these 28 days? Me? Well, I got a second job-- something I told myself I would never do. But, yes, I know people get second jobs all the time and I am not special so why shouldn't I be one of the statistics? Um.. Well, I don't know.. Anyway..

What will I be doing? Waitressing.. Where?? At a strip joint. Yes. I am desperate for money and I figured this would be an easy-in and it will be decent cash right in my pocket-- right? Yeehaw.

Other than that, I been working like crazy at RGIS.. RGIS sucks my life away.

My boyfriend wrote this:
Tuesday, June 13, 2006

denial

So theres a part of me that doesn't want to stand in her way. but theres a bigger part of me that thinks that if she stays i could make her totally happy. but if leaving to florida is what she really wants, then who am i to try and stop her or change her mind? these past few months have been really good, it seems that her and i are really good together we are exactly the same but we're also very different from one another. it seems like we compliment each other. when i'm around her i feel like idk just like its me and her and noone else. and when i'm not with her she's in my mind, my thoughts flood with her image and her voice. but at the same time whenever i'm with her i have this feeling that like its all good now and we're having fun and really enjoying each others company but.....whats gonna happen when she saves up enough money and is able to go and sieze her dreams of living in a place where its always sunny, a place where the ocean is just minutes away. a place where she could thrive with her carear and where she could be at peace. i hate having these feelings...i feel sort of like i'm just a passing fancy, just something along the journey. but everytime i get these feelings i push them away and say to myself "no no dont be stupid this is good you know it and she knows it" theres a part of me that kinda wants her to not save up enough money for it. altho i wouldn't sabotage her in any way, shape or form. "i've never been with someone that i've had so much fun with, i dont know i just love being around you" she said these words to me the other day....i stayed silent ,i was smiling the biggest smile i've smiled in a while. (haha that rhymes and is fun to say). those words that she said to me made me feel like...well you know that feeling you get when your in a roller coaster and you're about to go over the edge into the drop, well thats what i felt when she said it. like i wanted to just shout at the top of my lungs in glee. i dont remember what i said but i think i said i felt the same...altho now looking back on it i feel that i didn't put any emphasis into my words as if i said them just to say them. but the truth is i really do feel the same entirely. and after that happened i thought to myself "then why are u gonna leave me?!" but i pushed it aside. because these thoughts are not meant to be thought when i'm happy right? everytime she says something about florida i just wanna hold her tight and tell her to stay with me, i wanna tell her how she makes me feel, shower her with kisses to let her know i want her by my side. whats so good about florida anyway? ok yeah its always sunny but its not all its cracked up to be, being from tx i've lived in a place where its always sunny...and it aint necisarally always sunny even when the sun is ablaze in the sky. whats in florida? tsunami's are in florida...i dont want her to be part of a tsunami, i dont want her to be in any pain. that is why i wont tell her these thought, perhaps i will sometime but not now. no she's not going, how can she? what if she finds a good job here? its not so bad here is it? i mean i have wanted to leave before to but back home to texas or california, but i stayed for numerous reasons. why can't she? i want her to be happy...why am i being so selfish? idk, whats wrong with me? i have these sea shells that we picked up on the beach one day in cape cod, there sitting atop my computer desk, i look at them and think of her. maybe i'm jealous? jealous because she's going to go places and i'm still here in a dead end job without any thought of getting out? jealous because she'll be doing new things meeting new people...meeting other guys. damn. why do i feel this way dammit?!! why can't i just accept the fact that she doesn't want to be here anymore? why can't i just make all these feelings go away, i dont know i guess i just needed to get this out.

I am still formulating what to say about it.. it might take me another 28 days...