Boom.
2015-09-18 11:49 a.m.

So, I keep writing entries but then deleting them a day or so later because there's a small chance that my sister may remember that I have this whole thing.. and since I'm a terrible person with horrifying morals, I don't want her to possibly read something that's going to completely disappoint her. But I can't keep things in anymore, I need a place to vent and, yes, I could start another or go somewhere else entirely, but I'm not mostly because I don't have time to fuck with all the coding and all that right now. At this point I'll just risk fucking myself over. On with the story...

I keep having this issue with wandering eyes and feeling like I am missing something or whatever. I'm a piece of shit. I fall in love too easily. I've been sick for pretty much a week straight because of the fact that I'm legitimately in love with my brother in law.

I've looked on the ol' internets because now I know I'm fucking crazy, like how the hell can this be possible? Is it possible? Why? And my searches have been along the lines of can you be in love with someone you've never dated.. I'm entirely convinced you can be. Someone you know well and have been really close with? Fuck yeah. But I think it also depends on the person who is falling (from a personality standpoint) and their romantic situation. For me, I really tend to be in love with life in general and I deep down love people unless they do me wrong or are essentially portraying themselves as an ignorant or bad person.

I'm also drawn to people who seem to be interested in me (for the most part) and he pretty much opened this can of worms on himself, well, he's more like just ripped it open and it resulted in a huge explosion. When I want something I go after it hardcore and I'm very persuasive and extremely persistent. It's a bad combination for the victims of my desire.

This has been building up over the course of 5 and a half years now. From the start, I've always been more attracted to him and, honestly, I may have gotten with my guy just because I was curious, lonely and bored with my life at the time. When he started coming into my work, I didn't find him like wow, he wasn't really my type and on the surface he seemed pretty boring. The thing that intrigued me was the fact that he kept coming in to see me. So I took the bait. He is amazing. Totally incredible.. but that sexual desire was never there. The sex was boring and just mundane and I believe it was attributed to the lack of true passion. It's better now, but it took a while to get to that point... which is not terrible, per se, since if we were smoking hot right off the bat and things started to cool off over time then it could lead to questioning whether the relationship was based off sex in the first place and that's never good.

Anyway, his brother is exactly my type. From the start I didn't even realize I was flirting with him with little things like we were at a party and he was sitting by the man and I (we were standing up) and I don't remember why but I grabbed the rim of his hat and tugged it down while shaking his head with it. I don't remember my behavior that night I just remember on the ride home one the brother questioned why I was behaving in such a way and I had no answer, but the man said "it's because she found out you have a bigger dick than me". It wasn't true, but we had a laugh and of course I was intrigued.

A few months later we were at a car show out of state, staying in a hotel where everyone was running amuck. Someone was looking out the window and drew our attention to the dumb shit people were doing in the pool so the rest of us ran to the window. The man wasn't around so I came up behind the brother and grabbed his hips while gently pressing against him and looking over his shoulder. He didn't react adversely. And in my head I was just not caring about what I was doing because the man and I were only together for a short time and to me, whatever happened, happened... I left it all up to fate, I suppose.

So now I'm thinking back on it and just figuring he probably remembers because he's got a great memory. Through the years there have been many remarks on his part and such, like we were at the same car show a year later and we were getting something to eat. There was a very large woman working behind the counter and right in front of the man he says to me "Jenny, if you ever get that fat I'm breaking up with you" and we laughed it off. The man didn't hear it and he asked what was so funny and we both played it off as something else. On the man's 25th birthday, I threw him a surprise party which we were all playing beer pong (with the cups full of water not beer since it makes less of a mess) and at the end of the night he threw one of the cups of water at me... this resulted in an all out water fight between the two of us and I'm assuming everyone else was just standing around like what the fuck is happening here, exactly? This was the same night he made some sort of remark that I don't text him and I got his number right then (which I ended up losing at a later date when I smashed my phone). And since he was all wet from our water fight and was sleeping over, I offered him my pink fuzzy pajama pants with hearts all over them, which he wore proudly.

The day I met their grandmother, I was with both of them. She had advanced Alzheimer's, but she was sharp... I was arm in arm with the man, but the brother was providing the entertainment. She says "you're with him (points at the man) but you keep looking at him (points at the brother)." Whoops. There have been several instances where he had been over the house working on stuff with the man and needed to get this or that and would say "come on, Jenny, let's go for a ride" pretty much any time he could be with me, he would, even most recently when he came for vacation here in May... I had to blow something up in the garage and he came out the with me even though I was perfectly capable of doing it alone. Or he would sneak in some random message to me on the man's messenger at work whenever the man walked away from his desk. If he's walking by me or talking to the man on speaker his signature line is "fuck you, Jenny", for no reason, he just says it. All these little things.

When we moved 800 miles away, I was disappointed, but it wasn't until a little more than a year ago that I started getting extremely intense feelings for him. He was working on some school project with the man and they were video chatting. The man called me in to come see something and that's when I felt a way I never thought I'd feel. When I saw him on the video my heart melted. We just unknowingly stared at each other. Subsequent video chats went the same way. There was a day that he was over their mom's house and she wanted to see the man on video chat. She and the man talked for a while and it was just their mom on the screen (I peeked) and then she told me to come over because she wanted to see me... as soon as I came into view on the video, the brother pops his face into view and we did it again... just stared at each other. This happened a few more times. One day, I was going through a bunch of old pictures and memorabilia of the man's and I found the cutest thank you note written from the brother to their grandparents. I showed it to the man and he told me I should send it to the brother, this was when I got his number the second time. I've since committed it to memory.

We texted random funny shit back and forth since then, we both have the same sick sense of humor. In the weeks previous to when he came here to stay with his mom on vacation, the feelings were getting more intense, I was starting to feel sick thinking about him and he was constantly on my mind. He is incredible with cars and gets auction vehicles that have been in accidents and such, but then fixes them up and sells them to turn a profit. Well, he got a car for me, fixed it up and drove it 800 miles out here. Unbelievable. So, he comes out here and the whole time we just gravitated toward each other. Every single meal we had, I realized we were sitting next to each other and if we weren't sitting, we were standing together. It was a week of constant banter, teasing and staring contests (not literally, but I found him or myself always stealing glances). The last dinner we had together, the banter was so relentless that I was forgetting anyone else was even there. During the course of the week he made it a point to make sure that I knew he is well hung (and awkwardly his mom confirmed it by saying "I used to change your diapers, I knew it was going to be somethin!"... thanks, mom!) by making remarks and then telling me to get a toilet that fits his junk. And I died.

In the wee hours of the morning the day they left, we were all saying our goodbyes. He and I just stood together awkwardly for a bit then he starts doing the hand motions that say come closer because you're about to get hugged and he goes "c'mere, Jenny... bring it in, bring it in... no tongue though." and all I could do was let out a disappointed "aww". No one else heard what transpired, luckily. While he was climbing into the back seat, my heart began to break and I looked down at the floor. When I looked back up at him, he was staring at me. We just stared at each other for a while (general rule is 3 seconds, but this was more like 10) during which my heart really fucking shattered until I realized that someone would probably notice. I looked away, but then couldn't stop looking at him. Mom is all like going to drive away and she had the emergency brake on so we all had a good laugh about that, and I used every last opportunity I could to soak up those final glances he would give me.

fuck.

In the weeks following I could barely eat or sleep. I was so depressed and sighing constantly and the man was really noticing my behavior. I found out a week later from their mom that he is planning on moving out here when he's done with school in the spring. Who knows what will happen then... we are still texting and I accidentally called him a week ago which turned into an hour and fourteen minute call where the man was trying to call him to help with setting up his xbox, but the brother didn't acknowledge the call and I wouldn't tell him so he didn't get off the phone. It was amazing to hear his voice. He was saying he was going to video chat with me to show some ridiculously stupid funny game he's been playing recently.. I'm looking forward to that.

He ended up switching his work schedule around for school on a few days and he had to work until one in the morning.. we texted all night, from 6:30pm until 12:20am.

Yesterday was when I sank to a new low by going out and buying the body wash he was using while he was here just so I could smell him and feel like he was still here. It sounds pathetic and it is, because I am. What's worse is that I took just a tiny bit and smudged it on the edge of my pillow case so I went to bed smelling him.

I've been literally sick for the last week from him being so heavily on my mind and my not knowing what to do. I feel like I should wait it out like this is a fleeing feeling and I'll just ruin my life and the man's if I leave, although my feelings aren't fair to him by any means. If I go, I know I would do something stupid like go to the brother, show up at his door and grab him to put the moves on him, but we could never have a future together and I'd never see either of them again (I'm selfish, I know). If I stay, at least I can still see him and enjoy his presence in any way I can get.

Time will tell at this point.