Holy shit! It feels incredibly weird actually typing on a computer. I have grown so accustomed to writing everything on my phone that just looking for the exclamation point was like a where's Waldo search...
Welcome to what is most likely going to be the most in all of history for you to ever lay thine eyes upon! This is really just for selfish reasons, thus, I bring you an entire log of texts that I really should not have in my phone/messages that I don't want to disappear should anything happen to my phone. It contains typos and other intentionally misspelled words, so don't freak out when you see it because I know you're proofreading my shit if you actually manage to read this [I would do the same] ;) anywayyyyyyyy...
Previous to the beginning of these texts, I had unfortunately deleted them profusely because I felt guilty for enjoying them so much, which really sucks and bums me the fuck out. This begins after my man's mother, mother's friend (who shall be known as D) and his sexy brother came to stay for a week at our house:
Monday 5/18/15
me: you have to come back you forgot your beard mustard [we went to the market and he got beer mustard that he ended up forgetting when they left on 5/14.. he also has a glorious beard in which he tends to point out quite often when hes eating by staring me in the eyes and chomping on his mustache]
him: beer mustard?
me: that too
him: I mean all my beer mustard I took with me in ma beard
me: and half your dinner from Thursday night [we were eating pork chops stuffed with some spinach/cream cheese mix and he was staring me in the face and brushing his beard with his fork throughout dinner]
him: which tasted great today
me: No green shit for you ever again [because he said I tried to kill him by feeding him vegetables in some other text and he has an aversion to leafy greens since he foolishly bought a chicken ceasar salad from a vending machine at work and was horribly sick for several days]. It will be decomposed of properly next time before it even touches your plate, sire.
him: the facebook picture is great btw total accurate
[picture being referenced and I wrote, "An accurate representation of what our house looked like last week" because the majority of the time we were all blackout drunk- which I do sort of regret... sort of]
me: damn right. Especially the back with you and D. dem tongues doe
him: wtf does that mean speak English you goat
me: baaaaaaa
me: what? You're not a female deer? However, you never denied the D thing, you sick bastard.
him: what are you talking about?
him: most of my week was blackout drunk so you gota help me out
me: man, you were all cuddle crazy with her, it was sickening... she had her tongue in your ear it was terrible.. I threw up several times [did not actually happen at all, she was up in bed for the majority of her stay]
him: ohh man I thought for sure it was [my dog] giving me young but that was a crazy night who knows what happened
me: seriously I woke up and there were wine corks everywhere and you were saying something about mayo and your boxers being on backwards
me: pink lace panties* whatever no one cares about specifics these days
him: I blame bath salts [which we didn't have]
me: but what you're clearly saying is more bath salts
Friday 5/22/15
-------> insert picture: anal joke
him: lol
Tuesday 5/26/15
me: mmm beer mustard
him: dericious
him: so I hear you enjoy the audi [the car he rebuilt and drove 800 miles out here for me, it wasn't actually ready for the road here at that point because of paperwork and such so the only thing I could do was drive it around in the driveway to keep the fluids and mechanicals working properly]
me: oh yes, especially the clutch[it has a manual transmission and the clutch is totally shit]
me: I whip it around the block profusely once [the man] goes to bed
him: yeah its all fucking fun and games until the wheel falls off [this happened on the highway with the last audi I had because of a nut that wasn't secured properly]
me: pretty sure they will if all I did was back it up in the driveway and that lock nut fell off [I gave it a good wash in the driveway and later found a nut that may or may not have fallen off something, we don't think it was from that]
me: thinking of leaving the interior all dirty for nostalgia purposes =P [I don't really want to clean it because he had his hands all over it and I am a fucking idiot and love the idea that he's touched everything]
me: this dirt smells like [city where the shop that he works on cars at is] *swoon*
me: just kidding, I've already ordered the napalm necessary for the steering wheel alone
him: napalm won't remove the juices I left in that car
me: nice.
me: wait.. eh, fuck it. You planning on going to any events this year? [we used to frequent volkswagen shows together]
him: yeah one in Vermont soon. And dust off this weekend and maby a few more local ones.
me: welp, I'm hitching a ride and coming with even if you stick me in the trunk.. at his core [the man] already has old fart syndrome
him: hahaha wow figured it would be the other way around with him dragging you out to boring car shows lol
me: nah I enjoy them more than he does now pretty annoying
him: he may be more interested in lifted truck shows with his car [the man's car has a stock suspension and the brother is constantly busting his ass about it because all his vehicles are lowered]
me: proobrably.. he's had a hard on for chevys since we moved here and it's making me start to contemplate the future of this relationship
him: why would he get a chevy when he already drives a mo sterling truck [no idea what the hell "mo" was supposed to be]
me: pfft he has a thing for big wheels
him: you fucking better not modify my beautiful audi
him: that car stays stock or I'm taking it back
him: repo with no refund!
him: no dapper stickers either [dapper sticker is a popular laser cut vinyl sticker used by what he calls the fags of the volkswagen and audi scene.. he hates them with a passion, clearly]
me: I'd fix the body if anything
me: she's sexy with her wax job but the scratches and nicks are bugging the fuck out of me
him: you better not fix shit that cars a classic as it is
him: in fact make a few more dents it looks too new
him: [the man] tell you what car I bought? [he's always buying auction cars and fixing them up in the garage space he works at for a hobby, not work]
me: dents it is
me: nope. He doesn't tell me shit. [truth.]
me: although I was intrigued by your post.... [referring to a post he put up on the car forum he frequents and I read his threads]
him: haha that's cause your not in the "group"
him: which one lol
me: one of your [forum] posts about you scooped something else up better than the passat but the only clue was that it's not a passat
me: what group!?
him: the awesome group that I run called [his name] is awesome
him: anyways i bought.... [inserts picture that doesn't help]
me: how could you not include me. Bastard.
him: because your cooking almost killed me [referring to the final dinner we had together with spinach]
me: [the man] did it! I didn't make any green shit for you! [the man was the one who cooked it]
me: FUCK! it won't download! MY LIFE IS RUINED! [internet was shit and picture wouldn't load]
him: now you will never know
me: gotta go find a bridge to jump off of
him: google maps that's the fastest way!!!
me: it's a cabby isn't it. [the project car I have that's just sitting in the garage because I don't know what the fuck to do with the wiring since the engine has been swapped]
him: it's an upgrade not a downgrade!
him: fuck no I wouldn't be cough dead driving one of those lemons [even though the night we bought said "lemon" he was the one who drove it all the way back to my house, asshole. It is also yellow]
me: wtf that's not helpful and fuck you
him: whatever banana boat
me: [inserts screenshot of the picture I couldn't get to download at the time]
me: you drove my lemon from [where we bought it] to [my house]
him: not my fault your phone is shit
me: wifi is shit phone is better than yours [the newer version of his]
him: clearly it's shit because it dosent work for fuck shit
him: [picture of engine] I bought a car with this in it
me: my phone does work for both shit and fuck just not [here]
me: you didn't buy an r8
me: A8
him: yeap
me: trade ya
him: nope
him: hahaha
me: you know you wanna
me: sleep on it
him: you can ride in the back though the things a luxury cruise liner back there
him: nah :p
me: k but only if it includes a nice pillow
him: the fucking seats are actually couches and the headrests fold in to make pillows so yeah it does
me: I'm moving in.
him: rent is 500 a month
me: sold.
him: and no animals
me: there's only room for one animal anyway
him: in the drivers sear with 350 horses at his desposal. Awwww yiss
me: damn right
him: #richfartcar
me: #notboringoldfartcar
him: #leatherinplacesthesundontshine
me: #imeanyes
me: no I mean no
Thursday 5/28/15
me: wait a minute, why the fuck would I have a dapper sticker? I'm not a gay.
him: fooled me
me: ahhahaha HIGHLY doubtful
him: so gay
me: we'll see
Sunday 5/31/15
me: happy birthday Dr. Dickbutt
him: thanks look how I'm spending it! [inserts picture of car show]
me: bastard!
him: getting shit faced open drinks are allowed [it was 12:32 in the afternoon]
me: GODDAMNIT!!
me: [inserts picture of a mashed potato pizza I just made, his favorite thing I make] BEHOLD! Mashed potayter pizza!
him: goooooodddddd daaaaaaaammmmmiiiiiittttt
me: it's got extra bacon too
him: il pay for shipping
me: I'm on it.
me: FedEx pizza.
him: haha
me: [inserts screenshot of pdf I was looking at on how to ship perishable items] YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME!?
him: maserati potato pizza is no game
me: mmm maserati potatoes
Monday 6/1/15
me: ... is it possible to find a guide for how to wire up the cabby? Preferably without it ending in a ball of fire, eventually?
him: yes
him: google
him: I hear they have some good info
me: google is pretty alright.
him: prety cool guy
me: however, I don't know what exactly to ask for and I feel he may mislead me
him: try searching like "ship potato pizza"
him: or
him: long distance potato handling
me: I found a very easy solution to getting maserati potatoes from my oven to your mouth
me: move to Michigan
him: that requires moving
him: which is hard
me: much easier on the potatoes. They're going to get stressed out and shit everywhere
me: if launched 900 miles
him: you should see me stressed out
me: I've heard you stressed out. 0/10 would not buy again.
him: you think it was the dogs sitting [shitting] everywhere that week when it was actualy me
me: actually, they were sitting everywhere
him: I know huge sits little sits the place was sit central
me: how the hell did you have time to be stressed out here? We were almost constantly drunk
me: drunk = stressed nicht
him: lol
him: anyways go on [forum]
him: look up aba swap there's a huge thread on it
him: get reading haha
him: you have a CE2 swap
me: neato.
me: where's the OBD2 shit come in
him: get reading it's like 50000 pages of shut to read. My truck is in there too haha
him: obd2 is the computer aka the ecu it's the generation specification
me: of course it is.. and a shit ton of banter
him: read all the bantet
him: READ IT ALL!!!!
me: anytime I read shit you wrote I read it in your voice. It's impossible not to.
me: what the hell is the CE2 part for? I've never heard of that..
him: lucky you it's not in my voice because I dident write it. OK?
Doooooonnnnnaaaaaaa [he hates the name Donna and exaggerates it really hilariously when he says it in person and I kept trying to get him to do it while he was here]
him: don't worry about that shit
him: worry about the wires that make the engine work
me: haha that's a shame
me: maybe I will then
him: go on get off facebook and get to work
him: go on shoo
me: I cannot be shooed! Also, fuck facebook.
me: and chihuahuas.
him: go on go build your car
him: get
him: goooooooo
him: or I'm stealing your wheels
me: I'm out
me: bullshit you have to come here first
him: I have my agents in the area
him: codename Nippleless
me: your agents are no match for a giant stick and anal rape
him: dont anal rape [my dog] that's not cool.
him: good get going
me: Im already working on it you're shooing me for nothing
me: get back to pretending to work
Tuesday 6/2/15
me: cabby will be running by tomorrow [total bullshit, the dogs were being extremely needy and I ran out of time to work on it]
me: besides the lack of battery
him: haha ohh really?
me: yep.
him: video and I'll believe it haha
me: you should believe it anyway
me: fuck video
him: hahaha
me: fyi this thread is all banter besides page 1
me: but you like it that way
me: ain't nobody got time fo dat.
Wednesday 6/3/15
me: so, I'm making you this pizza and I'm not sure whether to tell [the man] or not because I'm not sure what his reaction will be...
him: his reaction I'd [is] he would eat it
me: so what you're saying is I shouldn't tell him
him: what I'm saying is you should make 2 one for him and one for me haha
me: well I was doing that anyway lol
him: so you should be all set then
me: [inserts picture of pizza]
me: NSFW [NSFW means not safe for work, some people don't know and I just saved you a google. You're welcome.]
him: ohh fuck fooooood porn!!!!
me: alright, what did you say about your/smashed tater pizza? [he was on the phone with the man and the man was rubbing it in that I made pizza and the brother wasn't getting any]
him: I said [he's] eating it all
me: good. Shipping tomorrow.. with other shit
him: hahahahaha
me: now stop fucking up the poor arduino [he was trying to program it for something for his car and kept calling the man with questions]
him: fuck you il fu k it up if I want
me: you will and you'll fucking fail
me: proud of you.
me: nice job.
me: are you drunk? Even auto correct can't help you it's just like, "RIP [his] grammar"
me: also, this pizza is delicious
him: totally shitfaced
me: knew it.
me: pretty sure it's going to cost like 30 male deer to send your shit like 900 miles away
him: 30 what?
me: bucks *rim shot*
him: what you should have done is made it while I was fucking there!
me: correct, however,.... I like to bust your balls.
him: unpossible
me: thought I didn't have enough potatoes to make mashed after shit german tater salad garbage and apparently there was enough
me: figured it would be better to keep you in suspense
me: get back to work
him: I hate surprise last some somone suprise me I went on a murdering rampage killing 30 small furry animals and one hooker
me: shoo
me: eh, hookers are seldom missed
him: don't say that about [my dog]
me: hey, at least she's good at what she does.. everyone has to be something in life
me: no wonder she's so fucking exhausted all the time.....
me: you.
me: you need to do things. Get back to work.
me: or I'll set my secret agent on you.
me: [4 minutes later and he hadn't replied] That's right, I win.
him: quiet woman men are at work here
me: gay.
me: don't fuck it up.
him: [after phone call to the man] did you hear that it works!
me: I heard you're melting your surroundings with your stepper motors while they're sitting idle
me: should've used them to cook all the bacon on your pizza
him: just like there gona melt faces when I'm done
me: video or it didn't happen
him: it's on google it's called goatse the video
me: why the fuck are you looking at that shit, you nasty freak
him: told you it's a face melter
me: caddy [his truck] will protest against your freakish ways
Thursday 6/4/15
me: anus.
me: [the man] destroyed covert pizza ops today. Will complete mission tomorrow.
him: [inserts heavy breathing cat meme]
me: ¯_(ツ)_/¯
me: that pizza is looking pretty delicious right now
him: you driving around in the caddy [was supposed to be cabby] yet?
me: [inserts heavy breathing cat meme]
me: no because you haven't picked me up yet, slacker
him: guess it's gona take longer then forever [inserts that's none of my business meme]
me: you said caddy not cabby. Stop drinking on the clock.
me: [the man] touched something and the wiring came apart
him: he touched the car didn't he
me: he did. It was a sad day.
Friday 6/5/15
[it's the man's birthday]
him: he is supost to be home getting shitfaced
him: I can't believe you let him go to work on his birthday Jenny what the shit
me: it was the only way I could send you covert pizza ops since he had to take the car yesterday. Priorities, [his name], priorities [the audi was still not on the road at this point and we were still down to one vehicle]
me: plus, he wanted to work.. he got to wear his birthday tiara...
me: waiting for the ice packs to finish freezing.. this is a very involved mission.
him: jesus crust Jenny he should be balls deep in at least his 6th hooker by this hour [11:40am]
him: BALLS DEEP JENNY!
me: he's not that kind of girl
me: would you rather I go pick him up instead?
me: [25 minutes later] yeah that's what I thought.
him: wat
me: would you rather I go pick him up instead of shipping your shit?
him: do both
me: heading to UPS right meow
me: fuckkkkkkk
me: ground shipping wouldn't work, they wouldn't start moving it again until Monday and it wouldn't arrive until wed/thur and the only other option is next day air which is roughly $200
him: hahaha are you actually trying to ship me a pizza
me: I wasn't fucking around
me: you thought I was joking?
him: shouldent you be baking him a cake or something?
him: or fixing the cabby?
me: no way he will let me take the car on Monday
him: hahaha
me: I'm doing cake too
me: trying FedEx
me: do you not want it?
him: Jenny
him: I want all the things
me: there are lots of things
me: lots of things you didn't even know you wanted
me: well, its officially not happening today
him: it's gona be all moldy by the time you ship it!
me: I'm not going to be able to get the car again for another month
me: I'll have to make another
him: guess so and you can give him that one for his birthday! Win win
me: he'll be like, you stupid fucking cunt we just ate this two days in a row! And then he'll dump me.
me: over pizza.
me: on his birthday.
him: that's absolutly possible
him: you should go buy him 2x4's for his birthday
me: uh.. y?
me: so he can build a crucifix and nail me to it?
him: so he can jam them in his ass like a squirrel of course!
him: or so he can build his lawn mower rack he gas [has] been having wet dreams about
me: he's already got 2x4's
him: then buy him a weed wacker
him: he needs one of those
me: I don't want to buy him shit with his own money and also, I'd probably buy one he didn't approve of.. I was just going to give him a crazy massage :P
him: go give the guy at home depo a "crazy massage" and buy him a fucking weed wacker!
me: nah they're all hairy and fat
me: can't work with hairy and fat.
me: "Happy birthday! I got you a free weed wacker!" him- "how'd you manage that?" me- "oh, you know, just a couple happy endings, and etc..."
me: it would forever be the Wacker of Shame.
him: lol
me: you really thought I was kidding about long distance potato handling?
him: slightly because of how outrageous it is haha
me: well, I'm an outrageous girl who does outrageous things for people I give a shit about. What I'm really trying to say is....
me: you should just move out here because the intricate logistics of sending a goddamn potato pizza are fucking retarded and it would be much easier if you were in the same state.
me: so, in conclusion, fuck you.
me: also, make sure you call him later so he can brag about how delicious his cake is.
me: also, fag.
Monday 6/8/15
me: what's red and bad for your teeth?
him: spray paint
me: goddamnit.
me: it was supposed to be a brick.
him: there more orange
me: if you're colorblind
Friday 6/12/15
me: what's brown and sticky?
me: a stick.
him: shit
me: gross
Tuesday 6/16/15
me: did you hear about the toad that jumped into the lawnmower?
him: splat
me: he croaked
me: goddamnit joshua.
me: fucking up my jokes.
him: [inserts image of joke arrow coming from behind stick figure as if to say he makes the jokes]
me: needs beard
Wednesday 6/17/15
me: hey.
me: even if technical difficulties are bullshit I really meant it when I said thanks for the audi since the cabby is supposed to be dedicated to leisure driving bs.
me: that is all.
him: you driving this beautiful car yet?
me: if driving around in the semi circle in the front driveway counts then yes
him: haha wtf why arnt you driving it yet?
Friday 6/26/15
me: because the dude is finally gonna inspect it on Monday
him: yeah talking to [the man] about it now
me: do you know anything about the rear passenger wheel making a racket similar to a midget rolling around in a metal trash can? Or is that new?
him: probrably somthing you did
me: fucker
me: probably something you did.. car is gonna fly off the highway and kill me
him: or probrably a heatshield or some crap back gong around d in the side compartments in the hatch
him: that's a common thing with those audis
me: admit it, you broke it
him: just like I broke the sunroof [I tried to close the sunroof when he was still here and something happened that it wouldn't close for me so I told him and later that day we went for a ride and he kept busting my ass about the sunroof, adjusting it little by little to prove that it wasn't broken]
him: that's not broken
him: did you actually check for a trashcan full of midgets under there?
me: apparently it's only broken when I touch it
me: I did.. they must be some very tiny midgets because I couldn't find them
me: found one of your beard hairs in there yesterday.. it was like the biggest pube in history.. should've called guinness
him: probrably wasent a beard hair
him: just saying
him: most of the ride out there I was wearing my assless chaps
me: hmm guess I shouldn't have licked the seat then
him: the seat is the least of your worries I would be more concerned with the roof
me: only fags wear assless chaps
me: what did you do to the roof?
him: [short video, opens in new window if I remember how to write html correctly]
me: you do that in your assless chaps?
him: while driving
him: in your car
me: we need to reenact that scene and I'll slam the brakes on you
him: il do it in my A8
me: I'm holding you to that.. doing it in NC [we had been going down all together to go see their dad at his house there and I was under the impression that we would be doing the same again this year, but that didn't work out]
me: bring chaps.
him: gota finish the A8 first
me: you're almost done
me: you're a Harry, wizard!
him: ------ insert drunk baby meme
me: lmao
me: jesus.
me: ------insert dat ankle meme
him: dat ankle ----insert
me: there's an ankle there?
me: how you do your best work [inserts picture of guy crouching down working on a car with a hole in the crotch of his pants and his balls hanging out of the hole]
him: how I get ready for school ------insert bottle in a bag labeled books
me: no wonder why your brother is always doing your homework for you
him: ------insert pic
me: ------insert pic
me: ------insert pic
me: I win.
him: Nahhh ------insert pic
him: ------insert pics
me: still win ------insert pic
me: ------insert more pics
him: ------
me: ------
him: ------
me: ------
him: ------
me: ------
him: bwahaha ha that's going to be a new philosophy for me
me: prepare to be castrated
him: your right i would have to buy a dimond necklace or something bad plan edit undool!
me: Should send this to [his roommate]
him: lol last night [cunt ex] and I were downstairs on the couch just talking. Next thing you know we can hear faint porn in the background. Then the pounding began then the fucking 300lb man grunts. It was fucked up I'm not sure his cousin knew we were home lol
me: what the fuck lol gross
me: should've busted in and screamed PLAYER 2 HAS ENTERED THE GAME!
me: ... wait a minute.. who the fuck grunts during a wank session? He's got problems.
Tuesday 6/30/15
... to be continued..