Major realization about feelings for mom.
2005-07-14 12:49 p.m.

My reading for the day using Fey tarot:

1. Overt theme- on the forefront my mind: 0 the Fool new beginnings, a fresh slate
2. Hidden theme: 4 of Wands tranquility, peace
3. Helpers on my path: XIX the Sun security and strength, leaving no shadows behind
4. Challenges: Ace of Wands challenges for my creativity and potential
5. Intergrating the Lesson: 7 of Wands "...If fear is defeated one can acquire the strength to resist any assault."

Major realization today: I hate my mother because she fucked up my life by doing what she thought was best for me. It's so clear to me now how she has altered my life in so many ways. How can I forgive her? I know she's my mother but she's also sucked the life out of me. Now I wish that she really would just go and lock herself in her room so she can cry all day and night about how pathetic she is. How could you do this to me? Whatever.

Best thing that I see that I can do now is just run. Far away from her. Always doubting everyone and having some serious paranoia but saying that she wasn't "Paranoid" just "Cautious". She's constantly turning things around so they aren't her fault. Always making excuses for everything. God forbid you learn the truth though, that it is really her fault and that she's guilty of something.. You're just so goddamn perfect, ain't you, ma?

Ugh. How can I hate the woman who gave me life? I suppose if she was your mother you would totally understand what it is that I am saying. I wish she was your mother-- maybe then I would have developed normally... I mean without drugs and the self-loathing that she has passed onto me.