My World is Crumbling Down
2005-09-18 9:19 a.m.

Great! *coughcough* Who am I kidding? I have fucked absolutely everything in my life up. All within 24 hours.

First: My boyfriend breaks up with me. I knew that was coming.

Then I cried from the minute I woke up until...

Second: I upset my oldest sister on her birthday by asking about a $112 cell phone bill because I guess I didn't ask in the right way.. and then when she told me that I shoot first and appologize later, i told her to go fuck herself.

Third: My step father has been trying to help me in all ways possible and last night I went to my sisters bar to hang out and he pulled the stool so close to him that I couldn't sit on it without my body touching his.. and I snapped over it.

Fourth: I was stupid enough to tell my mother about all the fucked up things he has said before about asking me if I wanted to take my skirt off in his truck whene we were on our way to NH to buy cigarettes for cheaper than here in RI. Now my mother doesn't think she can trust him and I think I may have ruined their relationship..

Fifth: Now that this is all done, the chances are extremely slim that I will be able to get him to come to the Financial Aid meeting that was scheduled for Wednesday. He said that there was nothing I could do and to just fix my attitude.

Things run in viscious cycles for me like I am all hunky-dory for a while with everyone and then I snap at someone and hurt them and when I realize how much I have fucked things up, I appologize. Appologies are the hardest thing for me to do for some reason. Maybe because I have to break out of my fantasy land to come back to reality to try to face a situation that I have created. Either way, here's a shorter condensed version of the cycle:

1. I am cool with everyone for a while.
2. Somehow I manage to snap about something..
3. I hurt their feelings and they stay away.
4. I try to fix things. I do fix things.
5. Back to step 1 of the cycle.

I can't believe all this shit. I dont even have a place to stay with someone who said they wanted to marry me.. blahblahblah. its so fucked.

I think he just broke up with me so he could fuck around with other girls.. But what do I know? I'm just an idiot.